Videogame Review, Pitfall for the Atari 2600 (w/ Atari 2600 Jr. Console)
Do you remember what death is? I’m being serious. Well, do you? You must try to remember. Computers do lie with works of fiction in programming. “True fiction” doesn’t make sense. How is this even real? Yeah, seriously! You can’t die again. You can only do it once. Yes, I know you’re probably laughing with some frustration and annoyance, but who cares? You’re going to “die” again. It’s the circle of life! You know? Jump, death; jump, death; jump, death. The video game isn’t real. You can do whatever you want in a fantasy! Well, except for campfires… you can’t walk around a campfire in Pitfall. Nope! You must always jump OVER the campfire. That’s common sense. What? Do you think you could just walk AROUND the campfire? Please, don’t be such a smart-ass. You know what you’re doing. Do you? Oh, and steal a wedding ring while you’re at it. Marriage is a crime against humanity, or, is it? Maybe you’ll need to wear a wedding ring in time for supper by the campfire. No, you don’t REALLY eat in this game. You never eat in this game- no food, no water… you’re drowning here! Oh, we all know that our hero has no eyes. Yep, no eyes. But he jumps and leaps in faith of hopeless jewelry collections. Want some gold? Go ahead! TAKE it! It’s not really rare in this case. It just magically appears! I don’t know how to die yet. That’s because I don’t know how to live yet. Swinging from a tree makes my head hurt sometimes. You can’t swim! That’s right. You can’t swim in this game. Who is this guy? This video game character is really lame to be honest. Yes, he can’t swim, he can’t eat, he can’t walk around a campfire; and, he can’t even tie his shoes! What’s wrong with him? I know this is fun, but come on! I could do more for myself in real life. He needs to get a sandwich or something. He can EAT, right? Well, it doesn’t matter that much. All you need is a relationship without so many mistakes in life. Have a girl play Pitfall! Women love a man in uniform. In fact, I think I’m in love with him, too! Can I kiss him? Maybe my kiss will make his booboo better. I’ll teach him not to play with his food! Sure, he doesn’t have any food, but I’ll give him some education anyway. He does like water, RIGHT? That’s why he can’t swim! We often love water because we can’t swim and aren’t very thirsty. If you choose to face this water alone, do not forget him and do not forget me. I love the controls. Gameplay does get intense if you’re not aware of the unique patterns. But there’s a difference between death by surprise and “death” by habit. You’re going to “die” in this game. Oh, but you won’t starve. That’s a good thing. Right? Well, I don’t want him to eat either. He’s a little heavy around the waistline. He needs to go on a diet. I don’t care if he doesn’t eat… he needs to go on a diet and lose weight! But he’ll never lose weight. HE’LL BE HUGE FOREVER!!! He doesn’t know how to swim and the alligators find him tasty, delicious, and wonderfully appetizing. At least he knows how to feed the animals and live to tell us all about it. Sitting is very dangerous for a hungry man. So, let him run! Let him be FREE! I love a man in uniform. I can’t wait to be one myself!
https://www.deviantart.com/gameuniverso/art/Review-of-Pitfall-for-the-Atari-2600-863259639
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