“True Fiction for Sonic the Hedgehog”
Sonic is a blue hedgehog. There isn’t any nostril on his nose. He wears gloves that don’t get stained with anything except a pearly white color and his shoes are flat against the drawing paper. Would you believe he has one eye? Yes, he has two eyes in one, and he can still smell the wind without having any holes in his nose. The “blue” hedgehog doesn’t have any nipples, any belly button, any ear wax, any blood, any elbows, any sharp-looking knees, etc. We always see him in a kind of paste or sharpness of color- he’s got teeth which he chews too hard on without breaking during his times with chili dogs (although hedgehogs in real life don’t eat either chili or hotdogs). Those teeth are elastic and bend like mushrooms. His girlfriend is a completely pink hedgehog named Amy. How did she get that name? Did she create herself? For that matter, who creates shoes for hedgehogs? “Yes, our company produces shoes for hedgehogs all the time!” But Sonic’s shoes never rip apart from velocity or from smashing robots with his fragile, delicate cartoon form. And Amy’s dress! Oh, that dress! In Sonic’s world, wild, dirty beasts can use airplanes, download programs off computers, and steal jewels with human interests. Knuckles has a nice haircut! Tails is kind of stupid. Robotnik stands on legs which look like jelly. The grass in Sonic’s world looks like decoration in an Easter basket. Sonic has no previous education in the human world and actually knows who we are. Are you serious?! Rouge the Bat sees well during daytime; enough said. Remember those hedgehog ears which don’t lead to any brain? I’m not sure if anyone has ever taken Sonic’s X-ray image. He reads like a 2-year old and speaks as a well-acknowledged fool. Some of his gums are totally black. They can’t decide what color his eyes are- sometimes they’re black, sometimes they’re green, sometimes they’re purple with polkadots and glittering tears. He eats pizza without getting poisoned and continues unlocking wild animals from their cages (that is to say, “hedgehog buttons”). We don’t really see his hair; no, we just assume it’s there. Who cares? Anybody can draw THAT! The blue hedgehog doesn’t have a rump; he doesn’t have enough fingers, he doesn’t have enough toes, he doesn’t swim in the ocean and soars in flips under the sky in looping hills reversing on their ends. What kind of scientist glues dirt on the loops, invents machines for hedgehogs to use?
And Sega fans expect all this to be “true fiction”? They want people to “get real” and “get a life”? GET OUT OF TOWN!!! XD
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