Videogame Review, Hoops for the Nintendo Entertainment System (Brand New, Altered Console)

Videogame Review, Hoops for the Nintendo Entertainment System (Brand New, Altered Console)

Bullies will go to hell.  Hoops is very much the Naked Gun of basketball games for the Nintendo Entertainment System when it comes to toss, bounce, move, roll, and slams.  And, there’s unknown freshness.  I’ve founded controls for the game which were never actually explained in the instruction manual and my basketball player is flailing around like a chicken towards the center of the playing field, since between the slam dunk and my ability to jump the computer doesn’t actually have a scheme for ball-tossing; thus, my player tends to run around helplessly while having his fingers glued to the basketball or something.  My opponents aren’t always really the funny type: they taunt, procrastinate, give illegal shoves, squander all over the playing field and more when the moment comes.  Get this- in order to give a slam dunk I have to be right on a general line which is hard to discern for any novice to basketball playing action.  It’d be like if I told you, “In order to swing the baseball bat you must have your feet right on the painted line within two inches to your toes.”  The video game box contains an advertisement for an expensive, bland luxury from the 80’s in the form of plain old white basketball shoes.  Visual style itself causes me to worry on the whole gaming front.  Sometimes I can’t tell if a basketball player is wearing a shirt or has a naked torso with bulging muscles; it’s really quite embarrassing.  I’ve stolen the basketball from my opponent by using buttons the instruction manual didn’t highlight or explain anything thereof.  But Hoops does mark a trend in the basketball world as video games get produced which offer different playable characters with their individualisms and personalities.  I, really, hate “Pretty Face” or whatever his name was.  Comedy occurs on the playing field as characters screw around and make me wonder if I’m pushing the buttons right at all or if the program functions with the new 72-pin connector.  Remember that scene from “Robot Chicken” on TV where a boy was dusting off his NES cartridges, and, the NES cartridges “loved” the feel of his breath?  Well, forget that scene; “Robot Chicken” entertains bullies only.  People want to feel comfortable about playing video games and don’t need some bookish, dirty TV producer to ruin their day with disgusting, nasty visuals.  Oh, “Robot Chicken” will melt in the heat below us someday.  I have no sympathy for TV producers who lack it.  Honestly, I’d rather just play Hoops for a while and get into comedy unless there’s bullies teasing me from all sides.  The game not only is a luxury, it’s in fact a poor luxury, which makes me think Nintendo hired plenty of uninterested engineers to give us something for our buck, but not for our efforts.  That’s the bully effect- singular profit without extending compromise.