Videogame Review, Family Go-Kart Racing for the Nintendo Wii

Videogame Review, Family Go-Kart Racing for the Nintendo Wii

“Please, no, no, stop!  It hurts!  No!  Go this way!  HELP!!!”  This was a failing game from the Nintendo Wii’s shopping channel.  I’ve tried playing this game for over an hour and it really, really hurts.  Everything is sloppy, poor, and uninteresting.  My arms felt like I was getting a needle shot on them over and over again just for turning… and turning… and turning… my arms twisted all around and hurting like the Devil in me.  Difficulty?  Levels?  Yeah right!  Going through with this racing game is like taking a dive off the road when my limbs aren’t telling my car to do such a thing and the more I play it the faster I’m likely to crash, off and on, into various obstacles with no fault on my part.  Sorry for beginning this review with such excitement.  But it’s true, my arms hurt like the Devil; often I’m trying to turn here and there across curves and unforeseen circumstances until I’m actually screaming in pain: hurt biceps, worn wrists, poor butter fingers.  The courses appear to be marbles of some kind and my kart typically falls off cliffs and ledges while I’m in attempt of comprehension for the difference between easy and hard; in fact, it’s hard to tell where we’re beginning and where we’re ending.  Gramps is smiling over Mommy.  Maybe it’s because she’s got nice boobs or something… his smile looks evil and unnatural.  Even the computer opponents are struggling to find their pathways against the notion of racing upon other opponents and I feel like an opponent on part to their vanity.  I’m telling the truth.  My arms… really… HURT!  What this racing game in its instructions tries to tell gamers is, “We know you’re not really using a steering wheel, but we’d like you to pretend the Wii remote is a steering wheel, or else the game will not work.”  Bullshit!  I’ve been holding my Wii remote like a steering wheel only when I can!  This isn’t a steering wheel; it’s a Wii remote that needs its own support and programming or else we’ll be constantly fighting with ourselves in the air while attempting to find the imaginary pole the “steering wheel” is supposed to be in.  Nobody tested this game.  No one out there really tried to figure out how this game worked; IGN panned it pretty quickly and for reasons I guarantee to be correct.  Various downloads for the Nintendo Wii usually came in mysterious packages.  In fact, so many of the games would be way too short for Nintendo or anybody else at the time to provide demos for.  The idea was that it’d be a lot more better for someone to pay for each tiny, little game as budget permits it; however, because so many of the games are very short, $5 here, $5 there, you’ve got a whole game split into pieces to gather up as long as budget permits those tidbits.  5 Arcade Gems is short and sweet.  I like that collection.  But Family Go-Kart Racing isn’t a game at all.  It’s like some kind of emulator that’s only fun for a programmer who won’t release it to the public.  Does that make sense?  Yeah!  Sometimes programmers just have fun stuff only for themselves: no publicity, complete, total privacy.  But if the “fun stuff” becomes public and doesn’t live up to professional standards then what we’ve got is something worse than a failure- Family Go-Kart is incomplete.