Dollar Sausages: Videogame Review, Golden Axe from the Arcade

Videogame Review, Golden Axe from the Arcade

This is a joke, pretty much garbage. Golden Axe should’ve been a secret mistake even if Sega lays down a funny story over the mess because poor collision detection makes everything look stupid if not outright laughable. You see, I should be getting hit by an axe if an enemy is swinging at me for the 1st time, not the the 3rd or 4th time, so I’m left with little choice but to be as stupid and ignorant as possible while graphics on the screen don’t make sense except for unserious programmers. Blocking enemies is very hard to do on vulnerability to your back. Context of meaning for the last couple of sentences should make some things clear when we’re disputing over Golden Axe because, well, a lot of Sega fans actually like this game for being fun and approachable. Atheists from time to time make sense of life only through disbelief and ear-clogged notion and so, as the arcade machine burns up in flashing pieces around the end of our game on the TV screen, I’m imagining silly and salty persons of programming for Golden Axe’s wide-spread exaggerations of religious concepts despite the fact Iroquois religion states something in my English book about a big, giant turtle-like island or land-angel. Why? Maybe we should be more disinterested about religion. Thing is, we can’t be totally undecided about religion above the chaotic earth of happenings as politics get involved between faint echoes of exploration. Yet this arcade game fails! Enemies are even more repetitive and redundant here than in Golden Axe 3 and this is supposed to be a big, powerful game off a huge machine. Fewer enemies + more continues = more repetition. Values ought to be considered here since we’re serious about dynamics and storylines to the point of simple yet intriguing philosophy of video game life where a dwarf counts for reaching up thunderbolts, a golden axe carefully preserved. Don’t get me wrong; there’s depth of feeling here for which red warriors and bulky knights and axe-slicing executioners combine in groups or area-lines to finish off good warriors although comedy pretty much only works if you’re either an atheist or a Christian after religion or something like that. Alchemy was popular in the past so perhaps Golden Axe really explicates through cartoonish visuals how magic and tremendous power can be funny to players who don’t take traditions and extreme cultures very seriously; besides that, whenever flaming beasts are being rode on against times for scoring and sumptuous privilege, 25-cent quarters are going into the machine for more and more unnecessary repetitions after the joke has faded like ruined jeans in my coat-hanging closet. Ancient times must be perceived by the wise guys as just unfathomable jokes, uninteresting history. Philosophy as defined and expressed thoroughly here may leave the serious fundamentals on a high note of disagreement but at least poking some fun at silly magic and ground-walking battles shall have us roaring with something to dispute on- how could’ve we taken religion so seriously, so trustworthy, odds and ends for our favor of dismantling myths over the aggressive human generations throughout so many centuries to only remember violence and politics in? Honestly, I’m neither atheist nor religious in a traditional sense. For that matter, I may be judged unfairly by someone of the public image when I’m simply explaining what Sega’s intentions probably are for Golden Axe. Go on Facebook and you’ll see weird nerds dressing up as things which come from myth, fiction, and religion. Barbarians of the past would’ve been nasty and belligerent as weapons were held with extreme, subtle prejudice, so, Golden Axe as it may be, there’s understanding of real-time history somewhat but not completely. I’m not a fan of some religious whacko trying to force something false on my logic, but I’m also less satisfied by the atheist who goes around with bogus stories to tell in order to hurt my feelings and leave families with pieces of cultural rumors to fix up on ruined confidence. Let me be simple. God is too big for us to understand and, even if humanity all died and went to heaven, there could then still be some greater force at work. There’s lords to lords, spirits to spirits, so when the female, heroic warrior casts begrudged phantoms of hot gas all over the dirty positions enemies take upon fatal consequences, everything in this joke and story can be something more. Something is suggested on which I must tell atheists everywhere to stop poking fun at historical concepts which have come to be from dead generations and expecting serious believers of God to take it all in quietly without instinct and reason. Not everybody wants to be guinea pigs. Hence, Golden Axe is surely packed with action in absence of dignity and so therefore nothing is managed for proper taste and performance of storytelling. This game is like Masters of the Universe, the He-Man movie: onslaught and confused fighting by savages are just another occasion for an extreme liberal to have a pizza slice on a paper plate to go along for the beer party at a friend’s house. Sega and I have things in common- we go easy on the whole history stuff, laugh a bit or for two minutes, then go our merry way when Earth’s in trouble on real demands for violence and religious persecution. Look, you can give me a dumb look for a long time about Golden Axe. Rather than us having a Bible tell us to kill nonbelievers, we’re having Golden Axe tell us to kill nonbelievers. What’s the difference? Videogames aren’t real; religions are. But how far can we go joking on our neighbors and friends in terms of sports and entertainment while expecting something less than a violent life? Such a game as this needs more depth, precision, and thrill in mechanics along with a plausible story to tell other than “we must fight and have revenge” or similar kinds of crap. Dwarf, two warriors, lots of the same in the same of the same. Please, find a different game.

https://youtu.be/Q1ZTzltMjKo